Being Comfortable with Sexuality

This past weekend, my husband and I had the opportunity to have "the talk" with our 11-year old son.  As we prepared to share with him not only the technical and physiological aspects of puberty and sex, I kept feeling strongly that we needed to also explain to him the beauty and blessings and purpose of sexuality, both of men and women.  This responsibility weighed on my mind and heart for several weeks, because of the physical and eternal nature of such a sacred subject.  

 

We began our talk by reading from The Family:  A Proclamation to the World.  "The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.  We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed."  With this as a starting point, we were able to share with him the miracle of his physical body, his potential to create life, and some of the consequences of that ability (both positive and negative).  As we talked, even though the mood was light and casual, we felt the Spirit as we were able to bear testimony to our son about the importance and responsibility of our own sexuality.  

 

Through this experience, in tandem with everything that we learned in this weeks readings, I have gained a greater appreciation for my understanding of the role that sexuality plays in my marriage, and for me personally.  What was a very taboo subject in my home growing up is now an open dialogue with my son.  I never want him to think of sexuality as a curse, or as evil, degrading, or dirty.  President Kimball has counseled:  "“Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.”  

 

I truly believe that healthy sexual relationships have to begin with a healthy personal understanding of sexuality - what it means, where we get this gift, why we have it, and who it should be saved for.  This type of understanding has to begin early, and as parents we have a responsibility to help our children come to this knowledge.  Our physical bodies are beautiful and miraculous in their ability to create life.  It is no mistake that we are designed to be attracted to each other as we seek to connect on this level and use that power to bring new life into this world.  My hope for my children is that they will learn to respect their bodies as the temples they are, and anticipate their own union with their spouse with joy and purity.  In the meantime, I will continue to nurture my own physical intimacy with my husband so that we can be good examples to our children, and continue to communicate and bear testimony of the sacred blessings of physical intimacy.

 

Something Doesn't Smell Right....

Marriage can be tough business.  Finding the right balance between 'him' and 'me' can be hard, especially when life and all of its complications creeps in and distracts me from my goals for my marriage.  After learning so many principles from Dr. Gottman on keeping marriage strong and avoiding the Four Horsemen, I confess I have been feeling overwhelmed.  How in the world am I going to find time to think so minutely about my husband and all of his feelings, needs, wants, dreams, etc., when I don't really even have time to think about my own?!  I want our marriage to thrive, but sometimes I just don't want to work that hard!  

 

At the conclusion of his book, Dr. Gottman revealed that one thing set apart the couples that stayed together after coming to the Love Lab.  After doing so many quizzes and exercises throughout the book, I was afraid it had something to do with a T/F evaluation each week - but I was happy and encouraged to find that it is something much simpler - TIME.  And not a lot of time either - just minutes a day.  Here is what he suggests (many of these are things we already do!):

 

1.  Partings - say goodbye and acknowledge what is on the schedule that day.

2.  Reunions - a 6-second hug and kiss and a 20 minute stress-reducing conversation

3.  Admiration & Appreciation - find a way to express genuine feelings, say "I love you," and mean it.

4.  Affection - show any type of physical affection, a kiss and hug before bed

5.  Weekly dates - spend time alone together, without kids and other distractions.  Nothing expensive, just time together.

6.  State of the Union Meetings - we call this "Companionship Inventory," where we review the week and address any unresolved problems or concerns from the week and then make goals for the coming week. 

 

All of these seem very simple to me, but as I look at each one and analyze its impact I know that they are profound.  Saying "I love you" is something that I feel really strongly about.  My husband and I decided when we got married that we would end each phone conversation with those three words - no matter what.  As our marriage began to stumble, I look back on that time and still remember saying "I love you" at the end of each conversation.  Somehow, even when I was angry and hurt, saying those words seemed to be a lifeline.  I recall one conversation that ended something like, "You're such a jerk!  I hate you!  Love you, bye."  After reading how important it is to show that kind of affection - verbal as well as physical - I can testify that it's true.  Hearing myself say those words reminds me that I DO love him, in spite of the garbage that sometimes pollutes our marriage.

 

By doing these six things, we can avoid having small issues swell into bigger issues.  Dr. Gottman calls this the "Marital Poop Detector."  If something doesn't smell right, we can identify what it is, where it's coming from, and how to clean it up.  There is an old adage that says, "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."  I know that to be true in marriage.  By spending just a few minutes a day connecting with my husband, I can keep those bonds strong, strengthen the weak links, and reinforce the positive feelings that we share.  

 

I am so grateful for the opportunities I have each day to make my marriage better.  Yes, life is very distracting.  Yes, sometimes the list of to-do's in my relationship can seem daunting.  But great things happen as the result of small and simple things - you can call it a poop detector, you can call it a companionship inventory, you can call it defining the relationship - I call it effort.  I call it anxiously engaged.  I call it unity, charity, commitment, and concern.  I call it love.

Eye for an Eye?

My husband and I had a funny conversation yesterday, which has had me thinking about our marriage - specifically what we give...give up, give in, give to, give for...do I give enough?  Here is the gist of the conversation, which had to do with him selling his motorcycle to pay for some upcoming renovations on our house:

 

Him:  I guess I'm going to have to sell my bike.

Me:  It looks like it.  Sorry, babe.  I wish I had something I could sell, too.  Except my car, because I would never sell that (referring to my one-of-a-kind 1966 VW Beetle, fully restored, sit in the garage because I only drive it in the summer car).

Him:  Right.  Why are you always like that?  

Me:  Like what?

Him:  An eye for an eye.  You sell this and I'll sell that.

Me:  I'm never an eye for an eye, babe.  It's always your eye, never my eye.  Don't you know that by now?  

 

Although the conversation was all in good fun, and we were laughing through it, I still wondered if there wasn't some truth in what he said.  Am I an eye for an eye?  Dr. Goddard, in his chapter on consecration, asked a few really good questions that have caused me to think that there is more that I can give.  He inquires, "Do we bring our greatest generosity and richest forgiving to our marriages?  Do we offer our whole souls and our best efforts as an offering?  Or do our partnerships get half-hearted, occasional efforts?"  I know that this is something that I have struggled with in the past.  There are many times that I have only been willing to give an equal measure of what I feel I am receiving.  

 

Because I am a natural "score-keeper," I tend to tally up the things that we both contribute to our marriage.  Dr. Goddard refers to this as the problem with seeking equity in a marriage.  We overvalue our own contributions to the relationship, and undervalue the contributions of our partner.  This is a clear example of an eye-for-an-eye mentality.  I know that I have improved a lot over the years, and I sincerely try to focus on giving in my marriage.  But, the natural-man is a strong influence on me, and I can revert quickly to my selfish thoughts of score-keeping.  

 

It took a miracle for our marriage to recover from near divorce, and much of the change that had to happen on my part related to me learning to give more of myself - my trust, my forgiveness, my affection - to my husband, and learn the difference between what my husband was offering to me and what I was receiving from him.  Now, our marriage is more consecrated...it's a wonderful blessing that comes from consecrating our own will to our marriage and to each other.  Not all of our problems are solvable, but they are more bearable when we are focused on each other and making each other happy.

 

I won't be selling my car, and my husband will sell his motorcycle to pay for the repairs.  But that isn't a check mark in my "win" column.  My goal is not to have an eye-for-an-eye marriage, but an eye-single-to-marriage.  That comes from consecrating my whole self to my husband, and receiving lovingly those things that he consecrates to me.  They are not always obvious, but I can see them if I look and pay attention.  And those gifts that he gives, even the motorcycle, make our marriage a beautiful place to be.

Accepting Influence & Reconciling My Marriage

I have mentioned before that my husband and I have been on the brink of divorce, and that time of our marriage has served as a great catalyst for change in our relationship.  In many ways, I am grateful that we have that experience to refer back to as a low point, and we can now identify many of the behaviors that got us into such a state in the first place.  One of the chief reasons we found ourselves so far apart from each other is pride - not willing to accept that we each bore some personal responsibility in our relationship, and then allowing that pride to canker our love for each other and replace it with contempt and selfishness.  Personally, the most difficult part of repairing our marriage was repenting of those selfish tendencies and allowing my husband to be my partner.  I had built up walls of independence, and his opinions and feelings and input meant very little to me - I could do everything on my own, and I was on a mission to prove it!  He was dealing with similar issues with different symptoms.  

In Dr. Gottman's research, he has found that this problem can be summed up into one very important element - accepting influence from your partner.  He defines accepting influence as conveying honor and respect, and loving and esteeming your spouse.  Once I began to soften my heart to my husband, and tried to include him in my life - my decisions, feelings, experiences, and questions - I realized that his opinion was more useful than I had given him credit for.  Our arguments became more productive, our conversations more friendly.  Our relationship was changing.  Thankfully, he was also willing to make the changes that were necessary for our marriage to succeed.  As time passed, our relationship was reconciled.  Reconciliation, by definition, is the restoration of friendship or harmony, to make consistent, or to cause to submit or accept something.  As we learned to listen to ourselves a little less, and each other a little more, our harmony was restored.  In the scriptures, we are instructed to "reconcile [ourselves] to the will of God" (2 Nephi 10:24) and I have a strong testimony that this principle applies not only to our relationship with Him, but our most meaningful relationships here on earth, as well.

 

We still have a long way to go, as we are still making effort every day to accept each other's influence in our marriage.  Recently, while I was at work, my husband chose to issue a punishment to our kids that I disagreed with.  Admittedly, I approached him in anger when I got home - how could he do something like that without talking to me first?  I always check with him regarding discipline, especially when I know I'm really angry and want my kids to SUFFER!  Then he talks me down and we can find a more appropriate solution.  But no - he just went right ahead and.....you get the idea.  Rather than the expected defensive retort, he simply sat there for a moment and said, "you're right."  We were then able to come up with a more equitable solution to the problem together.  It wasn't that he was right, or I was right - it was about working together and respecting each other and our different views.  Many times these situations come up, and we learn over and over again to listen to, love, and respect each other.  As we do this, our wills are reconciled with each other and there is peace in our marriage and in our home.

The Little Things...

This week, I have had the opportunity to really notice and think about the little things in my marriage - the times when we make "bids" for attention, affection, validation, physical touch, help, humor, etc.  Dr. Gottman characterizes these bids as ways we turn towards each other.  As with many exercises intended on strengthening my relationship with my husband, this task has brought up tender memories of our relationship in all of its many phases, both good and bad.  Each week I am humbled and grateful that I am (still) married to my sweet husband, who loves me.  But, like all relationships, ours can be improved.  I have asked myself several questions...

 

What bids am I making?

Are they selfish or unrealistic?

What bids is he making?

Do I notice them?  If I do, do I act on them?

Are my needs more important than his needs?

Do I expect more of him than I am willing to give?

Do I have any hard feelings because my expectations are not met?

When he ignores or doesn't notice my bid, how do I react?

If I don't respond to his bid, how does he react?

 

It is a loaded subject, to be sure.  I have discovered over the past few days that I am not very obvious with my bids, but I expect him to notice each of them (he should be able to read my mind!!).  When he doesn't respond to me, it sometimes hurts my feelings, sometimes makes me angry, and other times I end up shutting him out a little bit.  No fair!  I don't like that I do that!  I have some work to do...

 

With that in mind, I have come up with a game plan to improve how we respond to each other's needs and wants.  First, I have to spend time each day focusing on him completely.  In reality, I need to do better at this in all of my relationships - I can be a very distracted person.  The more I watch him, the more I pick up on subtle clues, such as body language, eye contact, and speech patterns.  So by focusing more, I will hopefully notice his bids.  Second, I need to be willing to act on his bids as quickly as possible.  This will sometimes require me to put my phone away, take a break from homework, or shush the kids for a minute.  Third, I need to be more open about what I need, rather than make him guess.  It's okay to make an obvious bid - "I need a hug," or "I just want you to listen" are good examples.  Earlier this evening, I wanted to tell him about something that had happened today, but I knew that he would react by giving advice, which would make me angry.  So I told him I had something to say, and that I wanted him to say, "that's exactly what you should have said."  So I told him.  And he told me what I wanted to hear.  And I was happy.  And he was confused.  Sweet!  Lastly, I need to be more understanding of him, his needs, and what he is able to offer at any given moment.  Too often, I get wrapped up in my own selfishness and overlook those little things that are important to him.  If we can both do better at noticing the little things, and then following up with things that uplift, nurture, and edify - we will have a closer and more trusting relationship.

Navigating the Love Map

Last week, I shared some experiences that my husband and I have had on our road through life together.  We have taken some wrong turns, missed some signs, gotten distracted at the wheel, and even ridden in separate cars for a while (to continue the metaphor!).  After our separation, there were many, many tender mercies from Heavenly Father that helped get us back on the right path, but there were also a lot of conscious changes in behavior, attitude, and expression that we had to change the hard way - through work and effort.  

 

This week, we learned about fondness and admiration, and the huge role that those values play in keeping a marriage alive and healthy.  Dr. Gottman says that "fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.  Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner's personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect.  They cherish each other, which is critical to keeping their [relationship] intact and preventing betrayal."  I was at a point where I had lost sight of the reasons why I loved my husband, so I started making a list of the things I loved about him - he was a hard worker, he can fix anything, his Spanish accent, the fact that he does his own laundry, he always puts his dishes in the sink...at first it was really hard, but over time I became so used to looking for things that were good that the negative things just weren't that obvious anymore.  The key was that it wasn't him who was changing...it was me.  It took a good year or so of doing this to really make a difference, but in the grand scheme of things that's not a whole lot when I considered what was at stake.  The more I thought about why I loved him, the more I just loved him.  And the more I just loved him, the more involved in his life I wanted to be.  

 

That is where the love map concept comes in.  Dr. Gottman describes the love map as "that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life."  In other words, your familiarity with your partner's world and everyone and everything in it. My love map for my husband is pretty detailed, but after working through some of the exercises in the book, I realize that a lot of the elements of my map are figments of my own imagination - things that I have made up to fill the holes, and assumptions about his feelings and opinions.  That was a little bit humbling!  I didn't realize that my map was still filled with prejudice and preconceived notions that I haven't let go of.  There were also a lot of things that were successful about my love map for my husband...I know a lot about what is going on at his work, what his dreams are, and I remember a lot of details about our love story.  What I found the most compelling is that his love map for me is also a little bit jaded, a little bit one-sided, and a little bit incomplete.  But together, when we start comparing stories, thoughts, feelings, dreams, experiences, and memories, our map is more complete.  I feel a little bit like we're zooming in on Google Maps...at first glance, the destination is just a point on the map.  There are some distinguishing landmarks, but you have to look a little closer to see the details.  The further in you zoom, the more you can see and the more familiar the surroundings, until you reach street view and can see things for what they really are.  I look at the difficult times in our marriage as times when we just zoomed out too far, and lost sight of each other.  

 

I am so grateful for these gentle reminders to remember to love my husband - to notice him, think about him, show affection to him, praise him, appreciate him, and cherish him.  As we seek to add more and more detail to the map of our relationship, I know that we will be blessed with a deeper love for each other, and a more resilient marriage.

Overcoming the Four Horsemen

In Dr. John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he discusses in great detail the theory of "The Four Horsemen" of the relationship apocalypse.  These four characteristics are:

1.  Criticism

2.  Contempt

3.  Defensiveness

4.  Stonewalling

When these feelings creep into a marriage, and nothing is done to eradicate them, relationships start to die.  Admittedly, these were difficult concepts to ponder and reflect on this week.  My marriage is in a state of recovery after a long and painful road back from the brink of divorce.  Although we have made great progress in how we interact, communicate, and handle problems we still have a long way to go.  As Dr. Gottman describes, our "set point," or state of relationship equilibrium, still leans to the negative side.  However, even though we still have many difficult issues to work through, I have learned something that is central to the success of our marriage, and that is that ultimately, the only way to overcome not only the Four Horsemen but every other challenge that is placed in our path, is total reliance on the Atonement of the Savior, Jesus Christ.  

 

I recall that after many months of counseling, repair attempts, and even living apart for a time, I finally hit a point where I was sufficiently humbled to ask Heavenly Father what more I needed to do.  I was so wrapped up in my feelings towards him, that I had never considered his feelings toward me (at least not in a receptive way).  In that moment, as clear as day, the impression came to me, "Don't you believe that I can fix this?"  Wow.  I felt so chastened, but so very loved at the same time.  For the first time, I changed my prayer and focused on my husband and his needs.  All of the sudden (literally - this happened in one night), my eyes were opened to my own weaknesses, the love Heavenly Father had for me AND my husband, and things that I could do to make one last attempt at reconciliation.  After reading these chapters, I now understand that I was moved by the Spirit to make one last repair attempt to salvage the friendship that I once had with my husband.  

 

Although the revelation came quickly, the results did not.  I still had so many of my own natural tendencies and insecurities to overcome, but instead of pushing my husband away and building up walls of independence, I started including him in my daily tasks, thoughts, and feelings.  We started having companionship inventory, praying as a couple (that was really awkward for a while), and spending time together without the kids as buffers.  We basically started dating all over again.  The more we prayed together, and the more I studied the scriptures and attended the temple, the more I was able to hand over to the Savior.  My hurt, fear, distrust, contempt, and anger gradually eased.  My heart was literally changed as I gave these parts of myself away.  I learned the truthfulness and sincerity of the Savior when he asked us to "take my yoke upon you and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  (Matthew 11:29-30)  The more I freed up space in my heart through repentance of my own selfishness, and total reliance on the Savior, the more my heart was open to my husband and our marriage.  Thankfully, he was also going through a process of repentance and heart changing growth.  Now that we are on the other side of such a great challenge, we have a deeper desire to be connected as a team in our relationship.  

 

But, old habits die hard...the natural man is difficult to overcome.  We forget sometimes that we have to focus and work on our relationship, and then things go unsaid, or sometimes over-said, and feelings get hurt again.  One thing that has not changed is our conviction and gratitude for the very real fact that our marriage was saved by the Savior and His Atonement.  We could never have gotten to this point without His loving mercy.  Because of this, I have a firm testimony that God cares about our marriages - he doesn't want us to be distracted by the evil influences of the Four Horsemen, or any other challenges that come our way.  With His divine aide, and our own willingness to act with and for our spouses, we can have healthy and happy marriages.  As described by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, "It is Jesus - only Him and His truths - that transforms our marriages from crippled relationships to walking, working, dancing partnerships."  I am so grateful for this truth, and for the wellspring of blessings that flow from it.  Marriage truly is a blessing, and a refuge from the storm.  I hope that each of us can learn to rely on the Savior and His Atonement as we navigate through marriage and other relationships, that our hearts may truly be changed and that we can live, alongside our spouse, with our Heavenly Father again.