Last week, I shared some experiences that my husband and I have had on our road through life together. We have taken some wrong turns, missed some signs, gotten distracted at the wheel, and even ridden in separate cars for a while (to continue the metaphor!). After our separation, there were many, many tender mercies from Heavenly Father that helped get us back on the right path, but there were also a lot of conscious changes in behavior, attitude, and expression that we had to change the hard way - through work and effort.
This week, we learned about fondness and admiration, and the huge role that those values play in keeping a marriage alive and healthy. Dr. Gottman says that "fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner's personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. They cherish each other, which is critical to keeping their [relationship] intact and preventing betrayal." I was at a point where I had lost sight of the reasons why I loved my husband, so I started making a list of the things I loved about him - he was a hard worker, he can fix anything, his Spanish accent, the fact that he does his own laundry, he always puts his dishes in the sink...at first it was really hard, but over time I became so used to looking for things that were good that the negative things just weren't that obvious anymore. The key was that it wasn't him who was changing...it was me. It took a good year or so of doing this to really make a difference, but in the grand scheme of things that's not a whole lot when I considered what was at stake. The more I thought about why I loved him, the more I just loved him. And the more I just loved him, the more involved in his life I wanted to be.
That is where the love map concept comes in. Dr. Gottman describes the love map as "that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life." In other words, your familiarity with your partner's world and everyone and everything in it. My love map for my husband is pretty detailed, but after working through some of the exercises in the book, I realize that a lot of the elements of my map are figments of my own imagination - things that I have made up to fill the holes, and assumptions about his feelings and opinions. That was a little bit humbling! I didn't realize that my map was still filled with prejudice and preconceived notions that I haven't let go of. There were also a lot of things that were successful about my love map for my husband...I know a lot about what is going on at his work, what his dreams are, and I remember a lot of details about our love story. What I found the most compelling is that his love map for me is also a little bit jaded, a little bit one-sided, and a little bit incomplete. But together, when we start comparing stories, thoughts, feelings, dreams, experiences, and memories, our map is more complete. I feel a little bit like we're zooming in on Google Maps...at first glance, the destination is just a point on the map. There are some distinguishing landmarks, but you have to look a little closer to see the details. The further in you zoom, the more you can see and the more familiar the surroundings, until you reach street view and can see things for what they really are. I look at the difficult times in our marriage as times when we just zoomed out too far, and lost sight of each other.
I am so grateful for these gentle reminders to remember to love my husband - to notice him, think about him, show affection to him, praise him, appreciate him, and cherish him. As we seek to add more and more detail to the map of our relationship, I know that we will be blessed with a deeper love for each other, and a more resilient marriage.
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