This week, I have had the opportunity to really notice and think about the little things in my marriage - the times when we make "bids" for attention, affection, validation, physical touch, help, humor, etc. Dr. Gottman characterizes these bids as ways we turn towards each other. As with many exercises intended on strengthening my relationship with my husband, this task has brought up tender memories of our relationship in all of its many phases, both good and bad. Each week I am humbled and grateful that I am (still) married to my sweet husband, who loves me. But, like all relationships, ours can be improved. I have asked myself several questions...
What bids am I making?
Are they selfish or unrealistic?
What bids is he making?
Do I notice them? If I do, do I act on them?
Are my needs more important than his needs?
Do I expect more of him than I am willing to give?
Do I have any hard feelings because my expectations are not met?
When he ignores or doesn't notice my bid, how do I react?
If I don't respond to his bid, how does he react?
It is a loaded subject, to be sure. I have discovered over the past few days that I am not very obvious with my bids, but I expect him to notice each of them (he should be able to read my mind!!). When he doesn't respond to me, it sometimes hurts my feelings, sometimes makes me angry, and other times I end up shutting him out a little bit. No fair! I don't like that I do that! I have some work to do...
With that in mind, I have come up with a game plan to improve how we respond to each other's needs and wants. First, I have to spend time each day focusing on him completely. In reality, I need to do better at this in all of my relationships - I can be a very distracted person. The more I watch him, the more I pick up on subtle clues, such as body language, eye contact, and speech patterns. So by focusing more, I will hopefully notice his bids. Second, I need to be willing to act on his bids as quickly as possible. This will sometimes require me to put my phone away, take a break from homework, or shush the kids for a minute. Third, I need to be more open about what I need, rather than make him guess. It's okay to make an obvious bid - "I need a hug," or "I just want you to listen" are good examples. Earlier this evening, I wanted to tell him about something that had happened today, but I knew that he would react by giving advice, which would make me angry. So I told him I had something to say, and that I wanted him to say, "that's exactly what you should have said." So I told him. And he told me what I wanted to hear. And I was happy. And he was confused. Sweet! Lastly, I need to be more understanding of him, his needs, and what he is able to offer at any given moment. Too often, I get wrapped up in my own selfishness and overlook those little things that are important to him. If we can both do better at noticing the little things, and then following up with things that uplift, nurture, and edify - we will have a closer and more trusting relationship.
No comments:
Post a Comment