Accepting Influence & Reconciling My Marriage

I have mentioned before that my husband and I have been on the brink of divorce, and that time of our marriage has served as a great catalyst for change in our relationship.  In many ways, I am grateful that we have that experience to refer back to as a low point, and we can now identify many of the behaviors that got us into such a state in the first place.  One of the chief reasons we found ourselves so far apart from each other is pride - not willing to accept that we each bore some personal responsibility in our relationship, and then allowing that pride to canker our love for each other and replace it with contempt and selfishness.  Personally, the most difficult part of repairing our marriage was repenting of those selfish tendencies and allowing my husband to be my partner.  I had built up walls of independence, and his opinions and feelings and input meant very little to me - I could do everything on my own, and I was on a mission to prove it!  He was dealing with similar issues with different symptoms.  

In Dr. Gottman's research, he has found that this problem can be summed up into one very important element - accepting influence from your partner.  He defines accepting influence as conveying honor and respect, and loving and esteeming your spouse.  Once I began to soften my heart to my husband, and tried to include him in my life - my decisions, feelings, experiences, and questions - I realized that his opinion was more useful than I had given him credit for.  Our arguments became more productive, our conversations more friendly.  Our relationship was changing.  Thankfully, he was also willing to make the changes that were necessary for our marriage to succeed.  As time passed, our relationship was reconciled.  Reconciliation, by definition, is the restoration of friendship or harmony, to make consistent, or to cause to submit or accept something.  As we learned to listen to ourselves a little less, and each other a little more, our harmony was restored.  In the scriptures, we are instructed to "reconcile [ourselves] to the will of God" (2 Nephi 10:24) and I have a strong testimony that this principle applies not only to our relationship with Him, but our most meaningful relationships here on earth, as well.

 

We still have a long way to go, as we are still making effort every day to accept each other's influence in our marriage.  Recently, while I was at work, my husband chose to issue a punishment to our kids that I disagreed with.  Admittedly, I approached him in anger when I got home - how could he do something like that without talking to me first?  I always check with him regarding discipline, especially when I know I'm really angry and want my kids to SUFFER!  Then he talks me down and we can find a more appropriate solution.  But no - he just went right ahead and.....you get the idea.  Rather than the expected defensive retort, he simply sat there for a moment and said, "you're right."  We were then able to come up with a more equitable solution to the problem together.  It wasn't that he was right, or I was right - it was about working together and respecting each other and our different views.  Many times these situations come up, and we learn over and over again to listen to, love, and respect each other.  As we do this, our wills are reconciled with each other and there is peace in our marriage and in our home.