Overcoming the Four Horsemen

In Dr. John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he discusses in great detail the theory of "The Four Horsemen" of the relationship apocalypse.  These four characteristics are:

1.  Criticism

2.  Contempt

3.  Defensiveness

4.  Stonewalling

When these feelings creep into a marriage, and nothing is done to eradicate them, relationships start to die.  Admittedly, these were difficult concepts to ponder and reflect on this week.  My marriage is in a state of recovery after a long and painful road back from the brink of divorce.  Although we have made great progress in how we interact, communicate, and handle problems we still have a long way to go.  As Dr. Gottman describes, our "set point," or state of relationship equilibrium, still leans to the negative side.  However, even though we still have many difficult issues to work through, I have learned something that is central to the success of our marriage, and that is that ultimately, the only way to overcome not only the Four Horsemen but every other challenge that is placed in our path, is total reliance on the Atonement of the Savior, Jesus Christ.  

 

I recall that after many months of counseling, repair attempts, and even living apart for a time, I finally hit a point where I was sufficiently humbled to ask Heavenly Father what more I needed to do.  I was so wrapped up in my feelings towards him, that I had never considered his feelings toward me (at least not in a receptive way).  In that moment, as clear as day, the impression came to me, "Don't you believe that I can fix this?"  Wow.  I felt so chastened, but so very loved at the same time.  For the first time, I changed my prayer and focused on my husband and his needs.  All of the sudden (literally - this happened in one night), my eyes were opened to my own weaknesses, the love Heavenly Father had for me AND my husband, and things that I could do to make one last attempt at reconciliation.  After reading these chapters, I now understand that I was moved by the Spirit to make one last repair attempt to salvage the friendship that I once had with my husband.  

 

Although the revelation came quickly, the results did not.  I still had so many of my own natural tendencies and insecurities to overcome, but instead of pushing my husband away and building up walls of independence, I started including him in my daily tasks, thoughts, and feelings.  We started having companionship inventory, praying as a couple (that was really awkward for a while), and spending time together without the kids as buffers.  We basically started dating all over again.  The more we prayed together, and the more I studied the scriptures and attended the temple, the more I was able to hand over to the Savior.  My hurt, fear, distrust, contempt, and anger gradually eased.  My heart was literally changed as I gave these parts of myself away.  I learned the truthfulness and sincerity of the Savior when he asked us to "take my yoke upon you and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  (Matthew 11:29-30)  The more I freed up space in my heart through repentance of my own selfishness, and total reliance on the Savior, the more my heart was open to my husband and our marriage.  Thankfully, he was also going through a process of repentance and heart changing growth.  Now that we are on the other side of such a great challenge, we have a deeper desire to be connected as a team in our relationship.  

 

But, old habits die hard...the natural man is difficult to overcome.  We forget sometimes that we have to focus and work on our relationship, and then things go unsaid, or sometimes over-said, and feelings get hurt again.  One thing that has not changed is our conviction and gratitude for the very real fact that our marriage was saved by the Savior and His Atonement.  We could never have gotten to this point without His loving mercy.  Because of this, I have a firm testimony that God cares about our marriages - he doesn't want us to be distracted by the evil influences of the Four Horsemen, or any other challenges that come our way.  With His divine aide, and our own willingness to act with and for our spouses, we can have healthy and happy marriages.  As described by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, "It is Jesus - only Him and His truths - that transforms our marriages from crippled relationships to walking, working, dancing partnerships."  I am so grateful for this truth, and for the wellspring of blessings that flow from it.  Marriage truly is a blessing, and a refuge from the storm.  I hope that each of us can learn to rely on the Savior and His Atonement as we navigate through marriage and other relationships, that our hearts may truly be changed and that we can live, alongside our spouse, with our Heavenly Father again.