The Path to Covenant Marriage

Marriage is the most important promise that we make - not only to our spouse, but to Heavenly Father, as well.  As members of the church, we teach our children from the earliest ages to strive for a temple marriage.  I have pointed to the temple countless times as I have driven past with my children, singing "I Love to See The Temple."  President Benson said that, "The temple is a sacred place, and the ordinances in the temple are of a sacred character. Because of its sacredness we are sometimes reluctant to say anything about the temple to our children and grandchildren.  As a consequence, many do not develop a real desire to go to the temple, or when they go there, they do so without much background to prepare them for the obligations and covenants they enter into.  I believe a proper understanding or background will immeasurably help prepare our youth for the temple."  This quote has caused me to wonder how effective I am being in teaching my children the why behind the what of temple marriage.  

I have the opportunity to work with a lot of youth at my job.  They are good, righteous, temple-attending kids who are looking forward to missions, college, and eventually temple marriage.  We talk often of marriage (because they think I've been married FOREVER), and I have come to realize that there is a divide in what we are teaching about marriage and what they are hearing.  According to Elder Hafen, there are two types of marriage - covenant and contract.  In contract marriages, spouses are committed only as long as their needs are being met.  Marriage is a relationship between two individuals that are independent and self-sufficient.  Conversely, covenant marriages are relationships between two people that are both giving 100%, even though they may not feel like they're getting 100% in return.  Spouses rely not only on each other, but especially on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  They depend on the Atonement, forgive often and completely, and set aside their own needs for those of their partner.  

So where is the divide happening in how these youth are understanding marriage?  I think the answer is two-fold.  First, we are all living in a culture of excessive individualism.  Elder Hafen describes this as one of the three wolves that attack marriage, the other two being natural adversity and personal imperfection.  Our children are being raised in a world where they are being taught that their own happiness is the most important thing, and that surrendering independence in any way is a sign of weakness.  It is no wonder that they look upon marriage as a literal ball and chain.  Second, I think that sometimes we give them mixed messages about marriage.  On the one hand, we tell them that temple marriage is the gold-standard, and that if you can just make it to the temple that's awesome!  We prepare them so much to enter the temple...but are we preparing them for the temple to enter them?  Is temple marriage just another stamp in our church passport, or are we teaching what covenants really are and what covenant marriage really looks like?  

As I have talked with these kids at work, I have thought a lot about my own marriage.  In the context of this lesson, is my marriage one of covenant or contract?  The truth is, I think it's both.  I am still working on purging the "natural man" tendencies that I deal with every day.  I do hold back from my husband and my marriage.  I do like to retain independence and have parts of my life that are "just mine."  I sometimes hold grudges and expect more of my husband than I am willing to give.  And I do get lazy and neglect my relationship with my husband in favor of personal pursuits and friendships.  That is my own excessive individualism.  My husband has his, too.  HOWEVER, after admitting my own flaws and faults and weaknesses, I can honestly say that in many ways we do have a covenant marriage.  Sometimes all is as it should be, and our relationship feels secure, supportive, generous, and fulfilling.  We aren't perfect, and neither is our marriage.  The most important counsel that I share with my young friends at work is that a covenant marriage is a process.  It's not something you walk out of the temple with.  Yes, you walk out with covenants, but covenant marriages need to be tried and tested, explored and discovered.  Boundaries need to be pushed, trials need to be endured, joy must be shared, hearts must be opened. 

I see covenant marriage as a process, a path that we are on as a covenant making people that starts in the temple and grows in our homes and hearts.  I hope to be a good example of what covenant marriage looks like - which to me, is the great laboratory of the Atonement in our lives.