Something Doesn't Smell Right....

Marriage can be tough business.  Finding the right balance between 'him' and 'me' can be hard, especially when life and all of its complications creeps in and distracts me from my goals for my marriage.  After learning so many principles from Dr. Gottman on keeping marriage strong and avoiding the Four Horsemen, I confess I have been feeling overwhelmed.  How in the world am I going to find time to think so minutely about my husband and all of his feelings, needs, wants, dreams, etc., when I don't really even have time to think about my own?!  I want our marriage to thrive, but sometimes I just don't want to work that hard!  

 

At the conclusion of his book, Dr. Gottman revealed that one thing set apart the couples that stayed together after coming to the Love Lab.  After doing so many quizzes and exercises throughout the book, I was afraid it had something to do with a T/F evaluation each week - but I was happy and encouraged to find that it is something much simpler - TIME.  And not a lot of time either - just minutes a day.  Here is what he suggests (many of these are things we already do!):

 

1.  Partings - say goodbye and acknowledge what is on the schedule that day.

2.  Reunions - a 6-second hug and kiss and a 20 minute stress-reducing conversation

3.  Admiration & Appreciation - find a way to express genuine feelings, say "I love you," and mean it.

4.  Affection - show any type of physical affection, a kiss and hug before bed

5.  Weekly dates - spend time alone together, without kids and other distractions.  Nothing expensive, just time together.

6.  State of the Union Meetings - we call this "Companionship Inventory," where we review the week and address any unresolved problems or concerns from the week and then make goals for the coming week. 

 

All of these seem very simple to me, but as I look at each one and analyze its impact I know that they are profound.  Saying "I love you" is something that I feel really strongly about.  My husband and I decided when we got married that we would end each phone conversation with those three words - no matter what.  As our marriage began to stumble, I look back on that time and still remember saying "I love you" at the end of each conversation.  Somehow, even when I was angry and hurt, saying those words seemed to be a lifeline.  I recall one conversation that ended something like, "You're such a jerk!  I hate you!  Love you, bye."  After reading how important it is to show that kind of affection - verbal as well as physical - I can testify that it's true.  Hearing myself say those words reminds me that I DO love him, in spite of the garbage that sometimes pollutes our marriage.

 

By doing these six things, we can avoid having small issues swell into bigger issues.  Dr. Gottman calls this the "Marital Poop Detector."  If something doesn't smell right, we can identify what it is, where it's coming from, and how to clean it up.  There is an old adage that says, "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."  I know that to be true in marriage.  By spending just a few minutes a day connecting with my husband, I can keep those bonds strong, strengthen the weak links, and reinforce the positive feelings that we share.  

 

I am so grateful for the opportunities I have each day to make my marriage better.  Yes, life is very distracting.  Yes, sometimes the list of to-do's in my relationship can seem daunting.  But great things happen as the result of small and simple things - you can call it a poop detector, you can call it a companionship inventory, you can call it defining the relationship - I call it effort.  I call it anxiously engaged.  I call it unity, charity, commitment, and concern.  I call it love.