When my husband and I made the choice several years ago to make one final try to make our marriage work, we decided that we needed to have a "companionship inventory," similar to missionaries. At first, we had one every day - there was a lot to talk about, because we were both so sensitive to every little thing that had been said or done during the day. Eventually we were able to have our inventory just once a week, which we do even now - on Sundays. Our biggest problem was that we had become so completely independent of each other that we were struggling for power - personal power and power in the relationship. Neither of us supported the other, and it had affected our marriage, our parenting, and even how we conducted ourselves at work. There is nothing worse than constantly fighting for validation and confirmation. As we discussed our challenges, it became clear to both of us that we were going to have to start compromising. We had to learn to work together, not against each other. For some reason we had gotten into the bad habit of thinking that we could only be happy and fulfilled one at a time - so that battle of who would win was constant and exhausting.
So how did we fix it? We made lists of everything we expected the other person to do. From taking out the trash to initiating sex, and from disciplining the kids to putting gas in the car. Surprisingly (or not surprisingly), many of the things on our lists were the same. Power struggle! We then decided to make a little "chore chart" of sorts, to try and balance out some of our expectations. We haggled over this list for several weeks. It consisted of HIS roles, MY roles, and roles we had to fulfill TOGETHER. Over time, as we stuck to the chart, held each other accountable, and made necessary adjustments, we started settling into a groove - a healthy groove of marriage. Pretty soon we didn't need the chart anymore, because we were starting to become more aware of things going on at home, with our kids, and with each other. A partnership was starting to emerge. For the first time, we weren't working against each other, as if we were in competition with each other. We were working to make each other's lives easier, which made parenting easier, and affection easier, and just plain being around him easier.
In an article entitled "Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families," Dr. Richard Miller quotes the following from President Gordon B. Hinckley: "Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have." We were never trying to exercise dominion over each other in the physical sense (like compelling each other to do certain things or behave certain ways), but we were trying to be right all the time. When marriage is based on who's right and who's wrong, it always leaves someone trailing behind. That is not the true partnership that President Hinckley was talking about. We still have a lot of learning to do before we get to that point of true partnership, but we are so much further along than we were. I know that by taking the time to counsel together we were able to find ways to make our marriage relationship better. I am so grateful for the counsel to counsel! By doing so, we are learning to become each other's help meet.
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