In With the In-Laws

I was raised in a very functional, loud, hard-working, faithful LDS family in Oregon.  My husband was raised in a boarding school in Mexico, and saw his mom twice a year during school breaks beginning when he was 8 years old.  His father was never in the picture.  I remember thinking when we were engaged, This is so great!  He doesn't really have parents, and anyway they're in Mexico!  I don't ever have to deal with in-laws!!  Unbeknownst to me, at the same time he was thinking, Finally!  A family!  He started calling my parents mom and dad before we even got married, and assimilated really well into our family dynamic.  Now fast forward a couple of years...

 

Once we'd been married for a little while, we began to see my parents differently.  He constantly wanted to be with my family - every Sunday for dinner and games, vacations, temple nights, holidays, Tuesdays, you name it.  I really wanted to separate from them, because enough was enough!  Surprisingly, this hurt his feelings.  He loved having a family to have fun with, but was spending a little too much time with them and not enough time with me, as a couple.  I began to pull away from all of them, my husband included.  Now fast forward a couple of years...

 

Through a series of life experiences, my husband began to drift away from me.  We had a couple of little kids by then, and the roles with my parents began to shift.  I was spending more time with my family because their help, support, and advice was very comforting to me as a new mom.  But he saw it differently - the parents that were once just fun to hang out with were now interjecting their opinions on us about our jobs, life goals and decisions, parenting and discipline, etc.  I relished in the knowledge they were imparting on us, but he was getting offended.  I started listening to my parents more than I listened to him, and it began to erode our communication and relationship.

 

After reading about in-law relationships (even though they are my own parents), I now realize that there were some elements of triangulation with my parents during these different phases of our early marriage - even though we were each triangulated in different ways and at different times.  I know that our situation is kind of unique, because we are only dealing with one set of parents - mine.  However, there were a lot of lessons to be learned.  I spent a lot of time during this period of our marriage trying to encourage my husband to strengthen his relationship with his own mom.  Even though she was far away, I "gently" reminded him to call her, Skype her, and send her emails or letters on her birthday.  The language barrier prevented me from establishing any real relationship with her, but I tried to at least say hello and send her pictures of the kids to keep in touch.  With my parents, it soon became clear that we had to set some boundaries.  It didn't help that we lived in the same ward as them, so our contact was constant!  We didn't have any real part of our lives that was just ours.  So how do we set boundaries, when it seems like there is no place to start?  Honestly, it was really difficult.  We both had developed the instinct to run to my parents whenever something was hard.  This inability to make decisions on our own was the opposite of the scriptural counsel to cleave unto each other (Genesis 2:24).  

 

Over the past few years, we have really had to make a constant, hard, sometimes painful and awkward effort to define our own space in our relationship with my family.  I have learned to respect my husband's innocent need for the love of a family.  He has truly needed the love and support of my parents, especially my dad, as he has become a father and tries to be a good dad.  He needs to be their son.  I needed to learn to stand on my own two feet and rely less on their advice and more on my own instincts and the counsel of my husband.  Sometimes I wish that I had more of a mother-in-law figure in my life, at least so we could both roll our eyes at the weird things my husband does.  What I have really learned and come to appreciate is that family, no matter what form it comes in, fulfills a need in each of us.  We just had to spend a little more time nurturing our own growing family in order to strengthen our own eternal covenants and bonds.

 

We now have a much healthier relationship with my parents.  We don't live in the same ward anymore, and we don't need their stamp of approval on every decision we make.  My own relationship with my husband is much better, too, because we now have boundaries that we don't cross.  Having a great relationship with the in-laws is important, but the marriage relationship has to be the first priority.  I wish we had figured out that balance a lot sooner!

Companionship Inventory - Sharing the Power

When my husband and I made the choice several years ago to make one final try to make our marriage work, we decided that we needed to have a "companionship inventory," similar to missionaries.  At first, we had one every day - there was a lot to talk about, because we were both so sensitive to every little thing that had been said or done during the day.  Eventually we were able to have our inventory just once a week, which we do even now - on Sundays.  Our biggest problem was that we had become so completely independent of each other that we were struggling for power - personal power and power in the relationship.  Neither of us supported the other, and it had affected our marriage, our parenting, and even how we conducted ourselves at work.  There is nothing worse than constantly fighting for validation and confirmation.  As we discussed our challenges, it became clear to both of us that we were going to have to start compromising.  We had to learn to work together, not against each other.  For some reason we had gotten into the bad habit of thinking that we could only be happy and fulfilled one at a time - so that battle of who would win was constant and exhausting.

 

So how did we fix it?  We made lists of everything we expected the other person to do.  From taking out the trash to initiating sex, and from disciplining the kids to putting gas in the car.  Surprisingly (or not surprisingly), many of the things on our lists were the same.  Power struggle!  We then decided to make a little "chore chart" of sorts, to try and balance out some of our expectations.  We haggled over this list for several weeks.  It consisted of HIS roles, MY roles, and roles we had to fulfill TOGETHER.  Over time, as we stuck to the chart, held each other accountable, and made necessary adjustments, we started settling into a groove - a healthy groove of marriage.  Pretty soon we didn't need the chart anymore, because we were starting to become more aware of things going on at home, with our kids, and with each other.  A partnership was starting to emerge.  For the first time, we weren't working against each other, as if we were in competition with each other.  We were working to make each other's lives easier, which made parenting easier, and affection easier, and just plain being around him easier.

 

In an article entitled "Who is the Boss?  Power Relationships in Families," Dr. Richard Miller quotes the following from President Gordon B. Hinckley:  "Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have."  We were never trying to exercise dominion over each other in the physical sense (like compelling each other to do certain things or behave certain ways), but we were trying to be right all the time.  When marriage is based on who's right and who's wrong, it always leaves someone trailing behind.  That is not the true partnership that President Hinckley was talking about.  We still have a lot of learning to do before we get to that point of true partnership, but we are so much further along than we were.  I know that by taking the time to counsel together we were able to find ways to make our marriage relationship better.  I am so grateful for the counsel to counsel!  By doing so, we are learning to become each other's help meet.  

Being Comfortable with Sexuality

This past weekend, my husband and I had the opportunity to have "the talk" with our 11-year old son.  As we prepared to share with him not only the technical and physiological aspects of puberty and sex, I kept feeling strongly that we needed to also explain to him the beauty and blessings and purpose of sexuality, both of men and women.  This responsibility weighed on my mind and heart for several weeks, because of the physical and eternal nature of such a sacred subject.  

 

We began our talk by reading from The Family:  A Proclamation to the World.  "The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.  We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed."  With this as a starting point, we were able to share with him the miracle of his physical body, his potential to create life, and some of the consequences of that ability (both positive and negative).  As we talked, even though the mood was light and casual, we felt the Spirit as we were able to bear testimony to our son about the importance and responsibility of our own sexuality.  

 

Through this experience, in tandem with everything that we learned in this weeks readings, I have gained a greater appreciation for my understanding of the role that sexuality plays in my marriage, and for me personally.  What was a very taboo subject in my home growing up is now an open dialogue with my son.  I never want him to think of sexuality as a curse, or as evil, degrading, or dirty.  President Kimball has counseled:  "“Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.”  

 

I truly believe that healthy sexual relationships have to begin with a healthy personal understanding of sexuality - what it means, where we get this gift, why we have it, and who it should be saved for.  This type of understanding has to begin early, and as parents we have a responsibility to help our children come to this knowledge.  Our physical bodies are beautiful and miraculous in their ability to create life.  It is no mistake that we are designed to be attracted to each other as we seek to connect on this level and use that power to bring new life into this world.  My hope for my children is that they will learn to respect their bodies as the temples they are, and anticipate their own union with their spouse with joy and purity.  In the meantime, I will continue to nurture my own physical intimacy with my husband so that we can be good examples to our children, and continue to communicate and bear testimony of the sacred blessings of physical intimacy.

 

Something Doesn't Smell Right....

Marriage can be tough business.  Finding the right balance between 'him' and 'me' can be hard, especially when life and all of its complications creeps in and distracts me from my goals for my marriage.  After learning so many principles from Dr. Gottman on keeping marriage strong and avoiding the Four Horsemen, I confess I have been feeling overwhelmed.  How in the world am I going to find time to think so minutely about my husband and all of his feelings, needs, wants, dreams, etc., when I don't really even have time to think about my own?!  I want our marriage to thrive, but sometimes I just don't want to work that hard!  

 

At the conclusion of his book, Dr. Gottman revealed that one thing set apart the couples that stayed together after coming to the Love Lab.  After doing so many quizzes and exercises throughout the book, I was afraid it had something to do with a T/F evaluation each week - but I was happy and encouraged to find that it is something much simpler - TIME.  And not a lot of time either - just minutes a day.  Here is what he suggests (many of these are things we already do!):

 

1.  Partings - say goodbye and acknowledge what is on the schedule that day.

2.  Reunions - a 6-second hug and kiss and a 20 minute stress-reducing conversation

3.  Admiration & Appreciation - find a way to express genuine feelings, say "I love you," and mean it.

4.  Affection - show any type of physical affection, a kiss and hug before bed

5.  Weekly dates - spend time alone together, without kids and other distractions.  Nothing expensive, just time together.

6.  State of the Union Meetings - we call this "Companionship Inventory," where we review the week and address any unresolved problems or concerns from the week and then make goals for the coming week. 

 

All of these seem very simple to me, but as I look at each one and analyze its impact I know that they are profound.  Saying "I love you" is something that I feel really strongly about.  My husband and I decided when we got married that we would end each phone conversation with those three words - no matter what.  As our marriage began to stumble, I look back on that time and still remember saying "I love you" at the end of each conversation.  Somehow, even when I was angry and hurt, saying those words seemed to be a lifeline.  I recall one conversation that ended something like, "You're such a jerk!  I hate you!  Love you, bye."  After reading how important it is to show that kind of affection - verbal as well as physical - I can testify that it's true.  Hearing myself say those words reminds me that I DO love him, in spite of the garbage that sometimes pollutes our marriage.

 

By doing these six things, we can avoid having small issues swell into bigger issues.  Dr. Gottman calls this the "Marital Poop Detector."  If something doesn't smell right, we can identify what it is, where it's coming from, and how to clean it up.  There is an old adage that says, "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."  I know that to be true in marriage.  By spending just a few minutes a day connecting with my husband, I can keep those bonds strong, strengthen the weak links, and reinforce the positive feelings that we share.  

 

I am so grateful for the opportunities I have each day to make my marriage better.  Yes, life is very distracting.  Yes, sometimes the list of to-do's in my relationship can seem daunting.  But great things happen as the result of small and simple things - you can call it a poop detector, you can call it a companionship inventory, you can call it defining the relationship - I call it effort.  I call it anxiously engaged.  I call it unity, charity, commitment, and concern.  I call it love.

Eye for an Eye?

My husband and I had a funny conversation yesterday, which has had me thinking about our marriage - specifically what we give...give up, give in, give to, give for...do I give enough?  Here is the gist of the conversation, which had to do with him selling his motorcycle to pay for some upcoming renovations on our house:

 

Him:  I guess I'm going to have to sell my bike.

Me:  It looks like it.  Sorry, babe.  I wish I had something I could sell, too.  Except my car, because I would never sell that (referring to my one-of-a-kind 1966 VW Beetle, fully restored, sit in the garage because I only drive it in the summer car).

Him:  Right.  Why are you always like that?  

Me:  Like what?

Him:  An eye for an eye.  You sell this and I'll sell that.

Me:  I'm never an eye for an eye, babe.  It's always your eye, never my eye.  Don't you know that by now?  

 

Although the conversation was all in good fun, and we were laughing through it, I still wondered if there wasn't some truth in what he said.  Am I an eye for an eye?  Dr. Goddard, in his chapter on consecration, asked a few really good questions that have caused me to think that there is more that I can give.  He inquires, "Do we bring our greatest generosity and richest forgiving to our marriages?  Do we offer our whole souls and our best efforts as an offering?  Or do our partnerships get half-hearted, occasional efforts?"  I know that this is something that I have struggled with in the past.  There are many times that I have only been willing to give an equal measure of what I feel I am receiving.  

 

Because I am a natural "score-keeper," I tend to tally up the things that we both contribute to our marriage.  Dr. Goddard refers to this as the problem with seeking equity in a marriage.  We overvalue our own contributions to the relationship, and undervalue the contributions of our partner.  This is a clear example of an eye-for-an-eye mentality.  I know that I have improved a lot over the years, and I sincerely try to focus on giving in my marriage.  But, the natural-man is a strong influence on me, and I can revert quickly to my selfish thoughts of score-keeping.  

 

It took a miracle for our marriage to recover from near divorce, and much of the change that had to happen on my part related to me learning to give more of myself - my trust, my forgiveness, my affection - to my husband, and learn the difference between what my husband was offering to me and what I was receiving from him.  Now, our marriage is more consecrated...it's a wonderful blessing that comes from consecrating our own will to our marriage and to each other.  Not all of our problems are solvable, but they are more bearable when we are focused on each other and making each other happy.

 

I won't be selling my car, and my husband will sell his motorcycle to pay for the repairs.  But that isn't a check mark in my "win" column.  My goal is not to have an eye-for-an-eye marriage, but an eye-single-to-marriage.  That comes from consecrating my whole self to my husband, and receiving lovingly those things that he consecrates to me.  They are not always obvious, but I can see them if I look and pay attention.  And those gifts that he gives, even the motorcycle, make our marriage a beautiful place to be.

Accepting Influence & Reconciling My Marriage

I have mentioned before that my husband and I have been on the brink of divorce, and that time of our marriage has served as a great catalyst for change in our relationship.  In many ways, I am grateful that we have that experience to refer back to as a low point, and we can now identify many of the behaviors that got us into such a state in the first place.  One of the chief reasons we found ourselves so far apart from each other is pride - not willing to accept that we each bore some personal responsibility in our relationship, and then allowing that pride to canker our love for each other and replace it with contempt and selfishness.  Personally, the most difficult part of repairing our marriage was repenting of those selfish tendencies and allowing my husband to be my partner.  I had built up walls of independence, and his opinions and feelings and input meant very little to me - I could do everything on my own, and I was on a mission to prove it!  He was dealing with similar issues with different symptoms.  

In Dr. Gottman's research, he has found that this problem can be summed up into one very important element - accepting influence from your partner.  He defines accepting influence as conveying honor and respect, and loving and esteeming your spouse.  Once I began to soften my heart to my husband, and tried to include him in my life - my decisions, feelings, experiences, and questions - I realized that his opinion was more useful than I had given him credit for.  Our arguments became more productive, our conversations more friendly.  Our relationship was changing.  Thankfully, he was also willing to make the changes that were necessary for our marriage to succeed.  As time passed, our relationship was reconciled.  Reconciliation, by definition, is the restoration of friendship or harmony, to make consistent, or to cause to submit or accept something.  As we learned to listen to ourselves a little less, and each other a little more, our harmony was restored.  In the scriptures, we are instructed to "reconcile [ourselves] to the will of God" (2 Nephi 10:24) and I have a strong testimony that this principle applies not only to our relationship with Him, but our most meaningful relationships here on earth, as well.

 

We still have a long way to go, as we are still making effort every day to accept each other's influence in our marriage.  Recently, while I was at work, my husband chose to issue a punishment to our kids that I disagreed with.  Admittedly, I approached him in anger when I got home - how could he do something like that without talking to me first?  I always check with him regarding discipline, especially when I know I'm really angry and want my kids to SUFFER!  Then he talks me down and we can find a more appropriate solution.  But no - he just went right ahead and.....you get the idea.  Rather than the expected defensive retort, he simply sat there for a moment and said, "you're right."  We were then able to come up with a more equitable solution to the problem together.  It wasn't that he was right, or I was right - it was about working together and respecting each other and our different views.  Many times these situations come up, and we learn over and over again to listen to, love, and respect each other.  As we do this, our wills are reconciled with each other and there is peace in our marriage and in our home.

The Little Things...

This week, I have had the opportunity to really notice and think about the little things in my marriage - the times when we make "bids" for attention, affection, validation, physical touch, help, humor, etc.  Dr. Gottman characterizes these bids as ways we turn towards each other.  As with many exercises intended on strengthening my relationship with my husband, this task has brought up tender memories of our relationship in all of its many phases, both good and bad.  Each week I am humbled and grateful that I am (still) married to my sweet husband, who loves me.  But, like all relationships, ours can be improved.  I have asked myself several questions...

 

What bids am I making?

Are they selfish or unrealistic?

What bids is he making?

Do I notice them?  If I do, do I act on them?

Are my needs more important than his needs?

Do I expect more of him than I am willing to give?

Do I have any hard feelings because my expectations are not met?

When he ignores or doesn't notice my bid, how do I react?

If I don't respond to his bid, how does he react?

 

It is a loaded subject, to be sure.  I have discovered over the past few days that I am not very obvious with my bids, but I expect him to notice each of them (he should be able to read my mind!!).  When he doesn't respond to me, it sometimes hurts my feelings, sometimes makes me angry, and other times I end up shutting him out a little bit.  No fair!  I don't like that I do that!  I have some work to do...

 

With that in mind, I have come up with a game plan to improve how we respond to each other's needs and wants.  First, I have to spend time each day focusing on him completely.  In reality, I need to do better at this in all of my relationships - I can be a very distracted person.  The more I watch him, the more I pick up on subtle clues, such as body language, eye contact, and speech patterns.  So by focusing more, I will hopefully notice his bids.  Second, I need to be willing to act on his bids as quickly as possible.  This will sometimes require me to put my phone away, take a break from homework, or shush the kids for a minute.  Third, I need to be more open about what I need, rather than make him guess.  It's okay to make an obvious bid - "I need a hug," or "I just want you to listen" are good examples.  Earlier this evening, I wanted to tell him about something that had happened today, but I knew that he would react by giving advice, which would make me angry.  So I told him I had something to say, and that I wanted him to say, "that's exactly what you should have said."  So I told him.  And he told me what I wanted to hear.  And I was happy.  And he was confused.  Sweet!  Lastly, I need to be more understanding of him, his needs, and what he is able to offer at any given moment.  Too often, I get wrapped up in my own selfishness and overlook those little things that are important to him.  If we can both do better at noticing the little things, and then following up with things that uplift, nurture, and edify - we will have a closer and more trusting relationship.