Accepting Influence & Reconciling My Marriage

I have mentioned before that my husband and I have been on the brink of divorce, and that time of our marriage has served as a great catalyst for change in our relationship.  In many ways, I am grateful that we have that experience to refer back to as a low point, and we can now identify many of the behaviors that got us into such a state in the first place.  One of the chief reasons we found ourselves so far apart from each other is pride - not willing to accept that we each bore some personal responsibility in our relationship, and then allowing that pride to canker our love for each other and replace it with contempt and selfishness.  Personally, the most difficult part of repairing our marriage was repenting of those selfish tendencies and allowing my husband to be my partner.  I had built up walls of independence, and his opinions and feelings and input meant very little to me - I could do everything on my own, and I was on a mission to prove it!  He was dealing with similar issues with different symptoms.  

In Dr. Gottman's research, he has found that this problem can be summed up into one very important element - accepting influence from your partner.  He defines accepting influence as conveying honor and respect, and loving and esteeming your spouse.  Once I began to soften my heart to my husband, and tried to include him in my life - my decisions, feelings, experiences, and questions - I realized that his opinion was more useful than I had given him credit for.  Our arguments became more productive, our conversations more friendly.  Our relationship was changing.  Thankfully, he was also willing to make the changes that were necessary for our marriage to succeed.  As time passed, our relationship was reconciled.  Reconciliation, by definition, is the restoration of friendship or harmony, to make consistent, or to cause to submit or accept something.  As we learned to listen to ourselves a little less, and each other a little more, our harmony was restored.  In the scriptures, we are instructed to "reconcile [ourselves] to the will of God" (2 Nephi 10:24) and I have a strong testimony that this principle applies not only to our relationship with Him, but our most meaningful relationships here on earth, as well.

 

We still have a long way to go, as we are still making effort every day to accept each other's influence in our marriage.  Recently, while I was at work, my husband chose to issue a punishment to our kids that I disagreed with.  Admittedly, I approached him in anger when I got home - how could he do something like that without talking to me first?  I always check with him regarding discipline, especially when I know I'm really angry and want my kids to SUFFER!  Then he talks me down and we can find a more appropriate solution.  But no - he just went right ahead and.....you get the idea.  Rather than the expected defensive retort, he simply sat there for a moment and said, "you're right."  We were then able to come up with a more equitable solution to the problem together.  It wasn't that he was right, or I was right - it was about working together and respecting each other and our different views.  Many times these situations come up, and we learn over and over again to listen to, love, and respect each other.  As we do this, our wills are reconciled with each other and there is peace in our marriage and in our home.

The Little Things...

This week, I have had the opportunity to really notice and think about the little things in my marriage - the times when we make "bids" for attention, affection, validation, physical touch, help, humor, etc.  Dr. Gottman characterizes these bids as ways we turn towards each other.  As with many exercises intended on strengthening my relationship with my husband, this task has brought up tender memories of our relationship in all of its many phases, both good and bad.  Each week I am humbled and grateful that I am (still) married to my sweet husband, who loves me.  But, like all relationships, ours can be improved.  I have asked myself several questions...

 

What bids am I making?

Are they selfish or unrealistic?

What bids is he making?

Do I notice them?  If I do, do I act on them?

Are my needs more important than his needs?

Do I expect more of him than I am willing to give?

Do I have any hard feelings because my expectations are not met?

When he ignores or doesn't notice my bid, how do I react?

If I don't respond to his bid, how does he react?

 

It is a loaded subject, to be sure.  I have discovered over the past few days that I am not very obvious with my bids, but I expect him to notice each of them (he should be able to read my mind!!).  When he doesn't respond to me, it sometimes hurts my feelings, sometimes makes me angry, and other times I end up shutting him out a little bit.  No fair!  I don't like that I do that!  I have some work to do...

 

With that in mind, I have come up with a game plan to improve how we respond to each other's needs and wants.  First, I have to spend time each day focusing on him completely.  In reality, I need to do better at this in all of my relationships - I can be a very distracted person.  The more I watch him, the more I pick up on subtle clues, such as body language, eye contact, and speech patterns.  So by focusing more, I will hopefully notice his bids.  Second, I need to be willing to act on his bids as quickly as possible.  This will sometimes require me to put my phone away, take a break from homework, or shush the kids for a minute.  Third, I need to be more open about what I need, rather than make him guess.  It's okay to make an obvious bid - "I need a hug," or "I just want you to listen" are good examples.  Earlier this evening, I wanted to tell him about something that had happened today, but I knew that he would react by giving advice, which would make me angry.  So I told him I had something to say, and that I wanted him to say, "that's exactly what you should have said."  So I told him.  And he told me what I wanted to hear.  And I was happy.  And he was confused.  Sweet!  Lastly, I need to be more understanding of him, his needs, and what he is able to offer at any given moment.  Too often, I get wrapped up in my own selfishness and overlook those little things that are important to him.  If we can both do better at noticing the little things, and then following up with things that uplift, nurture, and edify - we will have a closer and more trusting relationship.

Navigating the Love Map

Last week, I shared some experiences that my husband and I have had on our road through life together.  We have taken some wrong turns, missed some signs, gotten distracted at the wheel, and even ridden in separate cars for a while (to continue the metaphor!).  After our separation, there were many, many tender mercies from Heavenly Father that helped get us back on the right path, but there were also a lot of conscious changes in behavior, attitude, and expression that we had to change the hard way - through work and effort.  

 

This week, we learned about fondness and admiration, and the huge role that those values play in keeping a marriage alive and healthy.  Dr. Gottman says that "fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.  Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner's personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect.  They cherish each other, which is critical to keeping their [relationship] intact and preventing betrayal."  I was at a point where I had lost sight of the reasons why I loved my husband, so I started making a list of the things I loved about him - he was a hard worker, he can fix anything, his Spanish accent, the fact that he does his own laundry, he always puts his dishes in the sink...at first it was really hard, but over time I became so used to looking for things that were good that the negative things just weren't that obvious anymore.  The key was that it wasn't him who was changing...it was me.  It took a good year or so of doing this to really make a difference, but in the grand scheme of things that's not a whole lot when I considered what was at stake.  The more I thought about why I loved him, the more I just loved him.  And the more I just loved him, the more involved in his life I wanted to be.  

 

That is where the love map concept comes in.  Dr. Gottman describes the love map as "that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life."  In other words, your familiarity with your partner's world and everyone and everything in it. My love map for my husband is pretty detailed, but after working through some of the exercises in the book, I realize that a lot of the elements of my map are figments of my own imagination - things that I have made up to fill the holes, and assumptions about his feelings and opinions.  That was a little bit humbling!  I didn't realize that my map was still filled with prejudice and preconceived notions that I haven't let go of.  There were also a lot of things that were successful about my love map for my husband...I know a lot about what is going on at his work, what his dreams are, and I remember a lot of details about our love story.  What I found the most compelling is that his love map for me is also a little bit jaded, a little bit one-sided, and a little bit incomplete.  But together, when we start comparing stories, thoughts, feelings, dreams, experiences, and memories, our map is more complete.  I feel a little bit like we're zooming in on Google Maps...at first glance, the destination is just a point on the map.  There are some distinguishing landmarks, but you have to look a little closer to see the details.  The further in you zoom, the more you can see and the more familiar the surroundings, until you reach street view and can see things for what they really are.  I look at the difficult times in our marriage as times when we just zoomed out too far, and lost sight of each other.  

 

I am so grateful for these gentle reminders to remember to love my husband - to notice him, think about him, show affection to him, praise him, appreciate him, and cherish him.  As we seek to add more and more detail to the map of our relationship, I know that we will be blessed with a deeper love for each other, and a more resilient marriage.

Overcoming the Four Horsemen

In Dr. John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he discusses in great detail the theory of "The Four Horsemen" of the relationship apocalypse.  These four characteristics are:

1.  Criticism

2.  Contempt

3.  Defensiveness

4.  Stonewalling

When these feelings creep into a marriage, and nothing is done to eradicate them, relationships start to die.  Admittedly, these were difficult concepts to ponder and reflect on this week.  My marriage is in a state of recovery after a long and painful road back from the brink of divorce.  Although we have made great progress in how we interact, communicate, and handle problems we still have a long way to go.  As Dr. Gottman describes, our "set point," or state of relationship equilibrium, still leans to the negative side.  However, even though we still have many difficult issues to work through, I have learned something that is central to the success of our marriage, and that is that ultimately, the only way to overcome not only the Four Horsemen but every other challenge that is placed in our path, is total reliance on the Atonement of the Savior, Jesus Christ.  

 

I recall that after many months of counseling, repair attempts, and even living apart for a time, I finally hit a point where I was sufficiently humbled to ask Heavenly Father what more I needed to do.  I was so wrapped up in my feelings towards him, that I had never considered his feelings toward me (at least not in a receptive way).  In that moment, as clear as day, the impression came to me, "Don't you believe that I can fix this?"  Wow.  I felt so chastened, but so very loved at the same time.  For the first time, I changed my prayer and focused on my husband and his needs.  All of the sudden (literally - this happened in one night), my eyes were opened to my own weaknesses, the love Heavenly Father had for me AND my husband, and things that I could do to make one last attempt at reconciliation.  After reading these chapters, I now understand that I was moved by the Spirit to make one last repair attempt to salvage the friendship that I once had with my husband.  

 

Although the revelation came quickly, the results did not.  I still had so many of my own natural tendencies and insecurities to overcome, but instead of pushing my husband away and building up walls of independence, I started including him in my daily tasks, thoughts, and feelings.  We started having companionship inventory, praying as a couple (that was really awkward for a while), and spending time together without the kids as buffers.  We basically started dating all over again.  The more we prayed together, and the more I studied the scriptures and attended the temple, the more I was able to hand over to the Savior.  My hurt, fear, distrust, contempt, and anger gradually eased.  My heart was literally changed as I gave these parts of myself away.  I learned the truthfulness and sincerity of the Savior when he asked us to "take my yoke upon you and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  (Matthew 11:29-30)  The more I freed up space in my heart through repentance of my own selfishness, and total reliance on the Savior, the more my heart was open to my husband and our marriage.  Thankfully, he was also going through a process of repentance and heart changing growth.  Now that we are on the other side of such a great challenge, we have a deeper desire to be connected as a team in our relationship.  

 

But, old habits die hard...the natural man is difficult to overcome.  We forget sometimes that we have to focus and work on our relationship, and then things go unsaid, or sometimes over-said, and feelings get hurt again.  One thing that has not changed is our conviction and gratitude for the very real fact that our marriage was saved by the Savior and His Atonement.  We could never have gotten to this point without His loving mercy.  Because of this, I have a firm testimony that God cares about our marriages - he doesn't want us to be distracted by the evil influences of the Four Horsemen, or any other challenges that come our way.  With His divine aide, and our own willingness to act with and for our spouses, we can have healthy and happy marriages.  As described by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, "It is Jesus - only Him and His truths - that transforms our marriages from crippled relationships to walking, working, dancing partnerships."  I am so grateful for this truth, and for the wellspring of blessings that flow from it.  Marriage truly is a blessing, and a refuge from the storm.  I hope that each of us can learn to rely on the Savior and His Atonement as we navigate through marriage and other relationships, that our hearts may truly be changed and that we can live, alongside our spouse, with our Heavenly Father again.