The Path to Covenant Marriage

Marriage is the most important promise that we make - not only to our spouse, but to Heavenly Father, as well.  As members of the church, we teach our children from the earliest ages to strive for a temple marriage.  I have pointed to the temple countless times as I have driven past with my children, singing "I Love to See The Temple."  President Benson said that, "The temple is a sacred place, and the ordinances in the temple are of a sacred character. Because of its sacredness we are sometimes reluctant to say anything about the temple to our children and grandchildren.  As a consequence, many do not develop a real desire to go to the temple, or when they go there, they do so without much background to prepare them for the obligations and covenants they enter into.  I believe a proper understanding or background will immeasurably help prepare our youth for the temple."  This quote has caused me to wonder how effective I am being in teaching my children the why behind the what of temple marriage.  

I have the opportunity to work with a lot of youth at my job.  They are good, righteous, temple-attending kids who are looking forward to missions, college, and eventually temple marriage.  We talk often of marriage (because they think I've been married FOREVER), and I have come to realize that there is a divide in what we are teaching about marriage and what they are hearing.  According to Elder Hafen, there are two types of marriage - covenant and contract.  In contract marriages, spouses are committed only as long as their needs are being met.  Marriage is a relationship between two individuals that are independent and self-sufficient.  Conversely, covenant marriages are relationships between two people that are both giving 100%, even though they may not feel like they're getting 100% in return.  Spouses rely not only on each other, but especially on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  They depend on the Atonement, forgive often and completely, and set aside their own needs for those of their partner.  

So where is the divide happening in how these youth are understanding marriage?  I think the answer is two-fold.  First, we are all living in a culture of excessive individualism.  Elder Hafen describes this as one of the three wolves that attack marriage, the other two being natural adversity and personal imperfection.  Our children are being raised in a world where they are being taught that their own happiness is the most important thing, and that surrendering independence in any way is a sign of weakness.  It is no wonder that they look upon marriage as a literal ball and chain.  Second, I think that sometimes we give them mixed messages about marriage.  On the one hand, we tell them that temple marriage is the gold-standard, and that if you can just make it to the temple that's awesome!  We prepare them so much to enter the temple...but are we preparing them for the temple to enter them?  Is temple marriage just another stamp in our church passport, or are we teaching what covenants really are and what covenant marriage really looks like?  

As I have talked with these kids at work, I have thought a lot about my own marriage.  In the context of this lesson, is my marriage one of covenant or contract?  The truth is, I think it's both.  I am still working on purging the "natural man" tendencies that I deal with every day.  I do hold back from my husband and my marriage.  I do like to retain independence and have parts of my life that are "just mine."  I sometimes hold grudges and expect more of my husband than I am willing to give.  And I do get lazy and neglect my relationship with my husband in favor of personal pursuits and friendships.  That is my own excessive individualism.  My husband has his, too.  HOWEVER, after admitting my own flaws and faults and weaknesses, I can honestly say that in many ways we do have a covenant marriage.  Sometimes all is as it should be, and our relationship feels secure, supportive, generous, and fulfilling.  We aren't perfect, and neither is our marriage.  The most important counsel that I share with my young friends at work is that a covenant marriage is a process.  It's not something you walk out of the temple with.  Yes, you walk out with covenants, but covenant marriages need to be tried and tested, explored and discovered.  Boundaries need to be pushed, trials need to be endured, joy must be shared, hearts must be opened. 

I see covenant marriage as a process, a path that we are on as a covenant making people that starts in the temple and grows in our homes and hearts.  I hope to be a good example of what covenant marriage looks like - which to me, is the great laboratory of the Atonement in our lives.  

Turning the Tables on the Gay Agenda

While I was reading "The Overhauling of Straight America," my thoughts kept going to "The Screwtape Letters," by C.S. Lewis.  In that book, two devils are debating back and forth about the best way to lead righteous people astray - and their tactics are not obvious or immediate - they are subtle, simple, and deceptively...good.  We aren't usually led astray by evil things.  We are led astray by evil things disguised as good things.  I think that is where we're at, as a society, with the state of marriage and all that that now includes.  

In the Book of Mormon, we are warned, "Wo unto them that call evil good, and good evil, that put darkness for light, and light for darkness, that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!"  (2 Nephi 15:20)  It can be so easy to be swayed by the "good intentions" of social campaigns.  But what can we do?  How do we combat against an influence that seems so much bigger than us?  How can we avoid the attitude of "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em?"  

Just like both ancient and modern prophets, we have the ability to be the voice of truth against the multitudes.  We have learned how cunning the homosexual/human rights/gay marriage agenda is, and how quietly it has slipped into mainstream culture.  But we don't have to concede - we can be part of the solution.  After all, with all that we know and with the Second Coming so near, we know what side of history is the right one.  Here are some things that came to mind that I can be doing today to promote the sanctity and social necessity of marriage between a man and women (in direct response to the points made in "The Overhauling of Straight America"):

1.  Be sensitive to homosexuality - not desensitized.  Desensitization means that something doesn't bother or affect you anymore...that should not be the case with gay marriage.  However, we can disagree but still be compassionate, loving, and understanding of gay issues and especially gay people and their families.

2.  Talk about the sanctity of marriage as loudly and as often as possible.  Don't be a silent opinion - like Elie Wiesel said, we must take sides.  Form educated opinions based on doctrine and social, economic, and social research.  If we want to be taken seriously, we have to make a serious point.  Stop watching media that trivializes homosexuality and promotes gay marriage.  Share the why behind the what on social media, with our colleagues, and with the youth.  Share with others the joy that comes from a healthy marriage.  Have a healthy marriage! 

3.  Don't hide behind the issues - be bold!  Heed the counsel of Alma to his son Shiblon:  "And now, as ye have begun to teach the word even so I would that ye should continue to teach; and I would that ye would be diligent and temperate in all things.  See that ye are not lifted up unto pride; yea, see that ye do not boast in your own wisdom, nor of your much strength. Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness."  (Alma 38:10-12)  It is interesting that Alma warns Shiblon to refrain from idleness...are we being idle in this cause?  Or are we proactively sharing our beliefs with others?

4.  Don't be distracted by propaganda.  Not everything you read is based in truth.  Take the time to research real facts and statistics.

5.  Anti-discrimination, free speech, freedom of beliefs, freedom of association, due process, and equal protection apply to EVERYONE - not just minorities or people of a certain race, religion, or sexual orientation.  Be active in the community, participate in elections and civic duties, and don't be fooled by "oppression."  

6.  Never apologize for having a different opinion than what is perceived as the majority.  It is a fine line between being the oppressed and being the oppressor in this regard.  They are not apologizing for their position, neither should we.

7.  Spread the message.  Advocate for policies that promote the family.  Put the signs in your yard or the sticker on your car.  Change your Facebook profile to a pro-family picture.  Use hashtags.  Share The Family:  A Proclamation to the World.  Like the article said, "exposure is everything, and the medium is the message."

I don't know very many people whose lives are not affected by homosexuality in one way or another.  However, as members of the church we have a responsibility to share the message of marriage and family.  God's laws are constant and will never change, no matter which way the wind of the world is blowing.  We know what side of history is the right one, and in time all things will be made known.  But which side are we standing on in the meantime?  And are we being bold in declaring the truth?

The readings this week have reminded me that I can't keep my head in the sand when it comes to sensitive issues like this one.  I am saddened by the threats to marriage and family that come with the "gay agenda."  These are truly the last days, and we are all here at this time for a reason.  We need to choose a side, take a stand, be bold, and share the truth that marriage matters.  Family matters.  God matters.

What can YOU be doing to turn the tables on the gay agenda?  

Preserving Our Families

"Only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us."  - President Spencer W. Kimball

I have always loved this quote by President Kimball.  What strikes me the most when I read this is that not only do I have to believe deeply and actively in THE family, I have to believe deeply and actively in MY family.  The best way for me to advocate the importance and divine purpose and ordination of the family is to strive each day to dedicate myself to my husband and children, and do everything I can to be an example of righteous living for them.

My favorite example of the love a parent has for their family is in Lehi's vision of the tree of life.  He is the epitome of a loving father who believed deeply and actively in his family.  He wanted so badly for his family to be together and for each of them individually to partake of and enjoy the fruit that was desirable above all other fruit (1 Nephi 8:11-12).  Of course, his own desires were not enough.  Evil was gathering around them as well.  Filthy waters, mists of darkness, a great and spacious building - the world was dark and scary, and none could have found the way to the tree without the rod of iron.

My favorite mental image in this parable comes from Nephi, when he sees his own vision of the tree of life and is instructed on the meaning of it.  In 1 Nephi 15:27, Nephi tells us "that the water which my father saw was filthiness," but here is the interesting part -  he then says that "so much was his (Lehi's) mind swallowed up in other things that he beheld not the filthiness of the water."  What was his mind swallowed up in?  The fruit.  The tree.  He had his eye single to the glorious end result, and wanted nothing more than for his family to be there with him.

With this perspective, added to President Kimball's counsel, my goal as a wife and mother is to focus on the tree.  Yes, evil is gathering around my family.  Yes, if we look for it we will find it.  But that is not what I want to focus on.  The world may be a tumultuous place, but my home doesn't have to be. My home can truly be a refuge from the world, where we can feel safe, feel the Spirit, and enjoy the blessings, unrestrained, of faithful gospel living.  This requires diligent (active) effort in the little things - prayer, scripture study, gratitude, humility, and many other small drops of oil in our lamps.  And when we need help, because the mists are creeping in, Elder Eyring has counseled that, "We will need to invite the powers of heaven to guide our families in days when we are not there and to face spiritual dangers we may not foresee."  Because the family is ordained of God, He will be there every step of the way to guide us, comfort us, and share in our joy and sorrow.  

We can protect our families by making our home a refuge, putting our family at the top of our priority list, and focusing on the tree - the eternal blessings of the gospel and the love of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and by being loving and active parents.

By the fruits of our labors in our own families, we will be a source of strength and light to the world around us.